HomePublicationBurbankChris Erskine: Looking for One Last Love Story

Chris Erskine: Looking for One Last Love Story

A chef has recommended on social media that, if the butter is too cold to spread, you grate it over the roll or piece of bread — or your significant other, if that’s the kind of life you lead.
No judgment.
When I read that butter tweet, I thought: Who says journalism is dead? Then I thought: Yeah, OK. Maybe.
What would I give for a real L.A. Times sports section again? It now reads like expired milk. Doctor, doctor, give me the news!
Honestly, is that a smile on Judas’ lip? Every day something we cherish goes away.
Macy’s is shuttering stores. Outback, too. At inflated prices, I’m bagging my own groceries.
Wendy’s is reportedly considering “event pricing.” Chew on that greasy morsel a moment: When you wait longest in line, Wendy’s will jack up prices — as if it were the Louvre.
For three weeks, I tried to solve a laptop glitch no “help desk” could explain.
Imagine that, an old Whig like me taking on technology.
Worst of all, none of us can work our TVs anymore. And where does this surface in the political campaigns?
Look, I don’t expect much from our presidents anymore. We quote Ted Lasso far more than we quote our political leaders. To me, politics is more effective when there’s a whiff of poetry to it.
In every realm, we seem to have lost our way with words.
Take Hollywood (please). It should be holding an intervention, not some Oscar party.
As you know, I am the poet laureate of my local Starbucks (self-appointed, because you could wait all day for corporate to make the right move). And there’s a multiplex nearby, and I’ll sometimes wander over with the dog to look at the day’s movie lineup.
It’s become one of those eerie “Twilight Zone” episodes – the lone man in a barren wasteland, looking for one last love story (or even a laugh-till-you-cry comedy).
My only hope is that I look over one day to see Lana Turner working in the ticket booth, popping her gum.
“Two tickets,” I’ll say. “One for you, one for me.”
FYI, Hollywood now exists only for Hollywood’s sake. For the past few years, it has preferred dark little stories about human dysfunction. Hey, you want dysfunction, check out my laptop.
Or the executive suites at Sony.
And this just in: Experts say the moon is shrinking and warping and quivering a bit. Not enough to affect the tides. But what about our hearts? What about my new wife, Lana Turner?
Oy, the universe and its lovely lies.
As life becomes more unhinged, it gets harder to be hopeful. But there is so much left. Hope is shrinking and warping and quivering a bit. But it still fires the human furnace.
Indeed, the classic movies we love will never go away. How lucky were most of us to grow up at a time when music was thoughtful, inventive … bawdy, pulp-fiction hymns. And, try as they might, no one can take away the great books.
Meanwhile, artificial intelligence has the potential to cover the news like nothing we’ve ever seen before. Or completely blow up the First Amendment. Stay tuned on that one.
Meanwhile, here are 10 reasons to go on, amid a world of feckless leaders and trembling moons. Because as Montaigne once wrote: “The most certain sign of wisdom is cheerfulness.”

Manager Dave Roberts with Vin Scully during the late announcer’s retirement festivities.
  1. Irish butter
  2. Mozart
  3. Montaigne
  4. Books
  5. Belly rubs
  6. Tin sheds
  7. Old barns
  8. March Madness
  9. This year’s Dodgers
  10. Next year’s Cubs
  11. Sailboats
  12. Smoked fish
  13. Boysenberries
  14. Jon Stewart
  15. Jimmy Stewart
  16. Al Michaels
  17. Lambeau Field
  18. Rainy-day friends
  19. April in Paris
  20. Autumn in New York
  21. Dogs
  22. Dolly Parton
  23. Cat Stevens
  24. Fenway Park
  25. Spring fever
  26. Hot mustard
  27. Bill Murray
  28. John Mulaney
  29. Seventh-inning stretches
  30. Deli pickles
  31. The Fourth of July
  32. John Prine
  33. Flora Purim
  34. Bouncy houses
  35. Grunion runs
  36. Beach bikes
  37. Old bakeries with creaky floors
  38. Cakes
  39. Dairy farms
  40. Ferris Bueller
  41. Bill Maher
  42. Groucho
  43. Graham Greene
  44. Sarah Silverman
  45. Martin Short
    That’s my robust list of “10 Great Things.”
    What’s yours?

Vin Scully’s cheerful words wrapped us like quilts. A new book, “Perfect Eloquence,” features tributes to him by Bob Costas, Joe Buck, David Halberstam, among others (even me). Order online or at Vroman’s, Pages, Chevalier’s, etc.

First published April 4-6 in Outlook Newspapers.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

Most Popular

[bsa_pro_ad_space id=3]